March Madness is well under way and I’m going to try to keep this post short so I can continue the madness tomorrow and not be too wiped to get out of bed for my a.m. walk around the glorious lake.
So… running 5 mi. on Saturday morning, God spoke to me.
(Disclaimer: not in an audible voice but in thoughts laid upon my heart that I believe came from Him/ were directed by His truth)
Lately I’ve been describing my relationship status as a barren land. A desert to be exact. It’s like a movie shoot of the sahara and one lone (usually a man) person staggering through the sand - and that’s all there is - this small person stumbling through the sand and then the sand fills the rest of the shot. Sand Sand Sand. Hot. Sun beating down. Sand.
That’s what my relationship status and possibility has felt like as most of my crowd and life involves the same circles and women. A Girls Monday night Bible Study. I work in a department of all women… etc.
My feelings regarding this state change. At times, I don’t even think about this desert place. However, at other times, it consumes my heart with longing and disappointment.
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It’s been raining a lot in San Diego and everything is GREEN. A rarity for us. There are also flowers blooming by the side of the freeway and as I ran around Lake Murray, I was wowed by the lushness of plants and trees. It was beautiful and certain parts of the path reminded me of the time my family and I trekked through the forest in the hills of Jamaica. Lush, green, wild.
As I ran, I felt the words rising,
“So… you see your relationship status as a barren wasteland. What about the rest of your life?”
I thought about my family - each member of which I love dearly and feel deeply connected to.
What about your friends? I thought about my friendships - again the depth, connection, love, safety, wisdom, laughter, fun and trust within them.
I thought about my job - both the challenges, joys and opportunities I am given and face each day.
I smiled when I think of the weekend mornings I get to spend alone at the beach, in nature. I thought of running and the health and joy I feel coursing through my veins when I run, dance in my kitchen, salsa dance or walk…
As I surveyed the landscape of my life and of who I am - I smiled because I saw a lush vibrant rain-forest. Growth. Beauty. Joy.
It’s true - there was still the small barren land of my relationship status and the fact that I would love to be with and develop a deep connected relationship with a man who would eventually become my best friend, my lover, husband and eventually the father of my children… but…
this barren land is just a smidgen of my life - a small pocket.
The question left at the bottom of these thoughts,
“Are you going to waste time wishing and allowing this one barren place to rob you of your joy and thankfulness for everything else?”
Why would I pin my happiness on this one area? Why would I allow this one barren place to define my reality?
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Anyways, don’t know if that makes sense. But it was freeing to realize all the beauty and life surrounding me. It brought me to a place of deeper contentment, and revealed to me, once again, all the wonderful blessings God has given me.
I am surrounded by beauty.
I am loved.
I love.
This is all I want and ask - and so, in so many ways, on so many levels, I have already achieved my highest goal and desire.
He loves me.
I love Him.
That’s the punchline of my story - regardless of whether the barren land is a small part of the majority of it. And right now I’m enjoying that it is small.